Deep Breath

img_9450So… I’ve been thinking about taking up knitting. And doll making. It’s Instagram’s fault actually since I’ve been following a lot of lovely doll-makers — so it’s also breastfeeding’s fault because I mainly browse Instagram (and Pinterest) while I’m pinned down during our nursing sessions.

But the thing is, I have too many hobbies already; all are still in the process of learning. And even though I’ve reached a high level in my current hobbies, maintenance is very important to keep at tip top shape.

So what do I do? I think about my current activities: watercolor painting, calligraphy, violin, raising a baby, and maintaining a home. I think about the things I want to do. There’s just so much on my plate right now, and so much more that I want to do.

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Last year, during my pregnancy, we participated in a mindfulness study. Everything was well back then; I was even able to to a natural (anaesthesia-free) birth even though I was scared to death at the thought of popping a baby out. So many things can just go wrong. Then life happened. The baby came, and the feeling of returning home and settling down with a newborn is indescribable.

I thought that the toughest part of having a baby was the birthing process. Boy, I was so wrong. And I was not ready.

I did not go back to my job so that I can focus on the little one, I didn’t have a SAHM schedule because it felt so complicated back then. And my anxiety kicked in full swing.

I tried to control my anxiety, taking one thing at a time. And that’s when I forgot to take a step back and look at the big picture.

For a person with anxiety, it’s staggering to view the entirety of life – past, present and future. It’s enough to send me into a panic attack with all my fears and worries drowning any logical thought.

Deep breath. This is where I realize that I’m rushing. I am always rushing. Rushing into thoughts, into decisions, in life. I always feel like there are so many things to do in life that I neglect to pause for a moment. Enjoy the little things and take the time to look at the big picture. Because if I don’t, I might not see that I’m actually headed for a cliff – or a gigantic wall might be ahead. Pauses are needed to find that bridge or that window.

I need to keep reminding myself that life is not a race. It’s only now that I am able to realize how to let go of the things that one can’t control. And how to cope with that.

Take the time to pause. And breathe. Take gentle and relaxing breaths. Then things will come into focus.

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.

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