Deep Breaths

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Lately, I’ve been thinking of taking up new hobbies, like knitting and dollmaking. I spent too much time on Instagram while pinned down during our nursing session and there are a plethora of wonderful fabric artists and doll makers in my feed. Sadly, I have too many hobbies already, and I’m still in the midst of honing my skills in them.

Things are overwhelming right now, from being a new mom and housewife, so I’ll just focus on my current artistic endeavors for now: watercolor, calligraphy, and the violin.

Last year, during my pregnancy, we participated in a mindfulness study. Everything was well back then; I was even able to to a natural (anaesthesia-free) birth even though I was scared to death at the thought of popping a baby out. So many things can just go wrong. Then life happened. The baby came, and the feeling of returning home and settling down with a newborn is indescribable.

I thought that the toughest part of having a baby was the birthing process. Boy, I was so wrong. And I was not ready. I did not go back to my job so that I can focus on the little one, I didn’t have a SAHM schedule because it felt so complicated back then. And my anxiety kicked in full swing.

I tried to control my anxiety, taking one thing at a time. And that’s when I forgot to take a step back and look at the big picture. For a person with anxiety, it’s staggering to view the entirety of life – past, present and future. It’s enough to send me into a panic attack with all my fears and worries drowning any logical thought.

Deep breaths. This is where I realize that I’m rushing. I am always rushing. Rushing into thoughts, into decisions, in life. I always feel like there are so many things to do in life that I neglect to pause for a moment. Enjoy the little things and take the time to look at the big picture. Because if I don’t, I might not see that I’m actually headed for a cliff – or a gigantic wall might be ahead. Pauses are needed to find that bridge or that window.

I need to keep reminding myself that life is not a race. It’s only now that I am able to realize how to let go of the things that one can’t control and how to live with those things.

Take the time to pause. And then breathe. Take a deep inhale from your belly, pause for three counts, and then exhale for seven. Then things will come into focus.

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.

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