The Gastrologist(s) told me before that GERD causes my palpitations, and that my GERD stems from anxiety. She can just give me PPIs, but it’s up to me to manage my mental health. I got sick so often, I was in the ER countless of times, and had so many lab tests that my health care plan almost reached its limit. There was a time that I just went around in circles, always going on a downward spiral and just forgetting how to manage my thoughts. I can’t say that I have a better grasp of things now since I’ve been so busy with rehearsals and other activities these past few month but I really hope that I am improving.
It is tiring to live in constant fear and worry, and in this case, I get scared about having panic attacks. This is usually the reason why depression catches up. Almost every time I prepare to perform onstage, I freak out about having an attack during the performance. Eventually, I learned to anchor myself in the moment while performing. I have to prep myself well before going onstage. It takes up a lot of work and this process usually isn’t obvious to the people around me. I used to long for the moments when performing (or basically living life) used to be so natural, but this is my new normal now and that is just how it is.
The Harry Potter in Concert performances last weekend is probably my last gig with an orchestra for the year. I’m deeply grateful for the busyness and distraction that performing with the orchestra gave me, among other things. I always learn new things about myself whenever I prepare for rehearsals and performances. I also realized that I love making music more than anything and that I tried keeping myself from it because it hurts to not do it. It’s a paradox and it’s confusing AF.
I’m packing our bags now for a family adventure and I hope to recharge my creative juices on this trip. Sometimes this country gets too overbearing and plain uninspiring so I’m looking forward to breathing a different kind of air.
“I love you as certain– Pablo Neruda
dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow
and the soul.”