i am
 to cease

as breath
 the glass

 yet void
 of suffering.

i am
 just a speck -
 never belonging.

fading in time
 like memories,

like dust
 into not being.

fading away
 to black
 or white,

into nothingness.

Dealing with myself

seascape rox

It’s been a while. I keep telling myself that I should blog more often, but it’s just very difficult to get things done at times. My last post in June was very positive and uplifting, and I had hoped that it will stick but it did not. Thing is, when life throws me curveballs, I have a tough time recovering as I am easily shaken.  I have depression and anxiety, and these are not easy to deal with. I usually wish that I am normal, but I’m not, and I have to live with it and deal with this rollercoaster of emotions on a daily basis.

A while ago, I chanced upon some videos from The Mighty, namely “When ‘High-Functioning’ Mental Illness Makes You Feel Exhausted and Isolated” and “What It’s Like to Live with Both Anxiety and Depression“. I actually like browsing around that site because it makes me feel like I’m not alone – which is the truth. Millions of people suffer from these conditions, but it’s just so hard to just talk about them in the open. I know I’m not alone, then, why do I feel so isolated?  Most of the time, I feel like the people close to me, especially my family, does not understand what I’m feeling. The depth of the pain, hopelessness, helplessness, despair, fright, and loneliness. I also feel like I’m being judged as someone who likes to wallow in these dark emotions. Just to make it clear, I’m not. Those who are not in this position simply do not understand the desperation of wanting to be simply ok.

My health and my body reflect my mental state, rather, my mental illnesses manifest in my body. I’ve been in countless ER trips and visits to different kinds of doctors and healers. They all try to cure the symptoms, but it just doesn’t stick. As long as I don’t fix what’s going on in my mind, I will just keep on getting sick. It is a tiring process and it makes me more depressed. My anxiety makes me want to cling to life and worry about every single thing that I’m feeling, but depression makes me so tired of life. I feel like I’m losing my mind sometimes and I keep chanting to myself while breathing deeply, “it will pass, it will pass, it will pass.” Then I pray, or just cry, or do both. Desperately clinging to faith. Find a bit of relief in crying. Talk to someone who really understands.

Most of the time, the pressure to be ok is overwhelming. I have a toddler who depends on me. I have a husband who loves me, yet who I feel I am burdening with my constant screw-ups. I have a tendency to obsess over things. I have the vision of the perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect person in my mind which I desperately try to achieve. This obsessive-compulsive drive to be perfect haunts me everywhere in my life and in my work. I’m still working on this, on embracing my whole self, my flaws, my being human. The mind is a terribly tough thing to rein in.

Practicing mindfulness helps a lot, but the learning process is so hard. I keep going back to square one then I go around in circles. After that, desperation sets in and I feel an infinite kind of sadness – one that feels like the pain is swallowing you whole. I can remember not wanting to live as early as I was four years old. Why? I don’t know. I just felt so scared of life that I don’t want to go through it and just go straight to heaven while I am still deserving. I was a weird kid, and even though bullying is wrong, I understand why I was bullied so much in school.

Socializing is another thing that is very hard for me. It’s also so hard to talk to people because I feel like most don’t really understand what’s going on. It’s so different from being just sad or nervous. The depth of the pain, it’s something that cannot be explained clearly. I try, but it’s very difficult to give them labels or to put those kinds of emotions into words. It’s hard to get people to empathize because you just know that they can’t understand. It’s also scary to talk about these things because people think you’re weird or different, then start treating you differently. Then feeling a constant paranoia of being thought of as lazy, unfit, and a bad friend. So, at times, smiling and trying to laugh carelessly is the only thing that I can think of doing when around people.

When I’m not working, I am stuck at home, trying to be strong and happy for my son. I also can’t seem to find the courage to go out alone, even though I really want to. I like it when I rehearsing, performing, practicing, or painting. It’s like I’m removed from my own reality and isolation, but starting the activity is always my problem because self-doubt always creeps in. Frustration easily gets to me and I become angry at myself. It’s hard, isn’t it?

I did not choose to be like this, and I most definitely do not want to remain to be like this. I am taking steps forward so that I can be a better version of myself. So far, what’s helping me is the following:

  • Therapy
  • Mindfulness
  • Minimalism
  • Meditation
  • Reiki
  • Creative Activity
  • Exercise
  • Essential Oils
  • Prayer

Right now, I’m in search of a community or a group of friends who can empathize and understand. I feel that having a community will help me a lot. Another thing that I’m studying right now is how diet affects emotions, thanks to a book that was given to me by good friends. Also, if you are experiencing the same things as I am, please feel free to reach out, comment, email, or whatever. I’m very interested to interact with people who are going through the same things. ❤

Deep Breath

img_9450So… I’ve been thinking about taking up knitting. And doll making. It’s Instagram’s fault actually since I’ve been following a lot of lovely doll-makers — so it’s also breastfeeding’s fault because I mainly browse Instagram (and Pinterest) while I’m pinned down during our nursing sessions.

But the thing is, I have too many hobbies already; all are still in the process of learning. And even though I’ve reached a high level in my current hobbies, maintenance is very important to keep at tip top shape.

So what do I do? I think about my current activities: watercolor painting, calligraphy, violin, raising a baby, and maintaining a home. I think about the things I want to do. There’s just so much on my plate right now, and so much more that I want to do.

  Continue reading